The Introvert that Looks like an Extrovert: Just Because it Quacks Doesn't Mean It's A Duck

Generally speaking, life demands we at least to some extent learn to be social, and appear to enjoy those social experiences.

You may know someone like this, or this may be you; the well trained introvert, who appears to be an extrovert, and a social butterfly. It is not always obvious, but if you know them well or look closely you see the cracks, and signs of stress, or fatigue. In general life demands we at least to some extent learn to be social, and appear to enjoy those social experience. In fact the more outgoing and social the better. 

I spent quite some time trying to find a definition of introvert that wasn't negative, or defined as being wrapped up in oneself, or shy. It is often associated with being nerdy, bookish, quirky or quaint. To me being wrapped up in oneself is narcissistic, and shy is shy. Although many introverts may indeed be shy, that is not what makes one introverted. Interestingly the definitions for extroverts all seem to define it as "friendly" and outgoing, and as a positive trait. There seems to be an assumption if you are chatty, that somehow makes you a nicer person. In my experience nice and not nice comes in all shapes, sizes, and types, and niceness and friendliness is not the exclusive domain of the extrovert. 

Being introverted doesn't mean you can't be social, and chatty and friendly, and being an extrovert doesn't mean you don't enjoy personal time on your own. What it comes down to is how you feel about varying degrees of social interaction, alone time, and how much of each is right for you. In general I would say that for an extrovert being out with people and interacting with people energizes them. For an introvert this experience drains them of energy, and the alone time allows them to "recharge". It is not about being opinionated, or nice, or smart, or confident, or happy. It is simply how one responds to the social stimuli around them, and how they "charge their batteries" so to speak.

Most people including family think I am your basic extrovert, chatty and always cracking a joke. I mean if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck, right?! The joke part is probably true, but if I can opt out of parties, outings, and crowds, I almost always do. I'm not talking about lunch with a friend. I am talking about events that require extended small talk and interaction with people, or that allow for little or no alone time. The longer I'm out in these types of situations the more I tend to chat, and make jokes. It is a nervous reaction that seldom works in my favour. 

Ideally I have advance notice to mentally prepare, but often by the end of such events I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Few, except maybe those who know me well will see the signs of strain, unless it's over an extended period. Even then it's easily put it down to being tired, or having a bad day. 

A perfect example is Christmas visits to see my family. I find them to be very challenging, not because my family isn't lovely, they are, but with the long drive, living out of a suitcase, multiple trips, visits and obligations, all put into a short time frame, it means I'm virtually never alone. I love my family and I am happy to, and want to see them, but I can only do so many hours of 17 people, with no way to politely excuse myself, and even if I could, nowhere to go.

I'm trying to balance being a hermit, getting out of my comfort zone by saying yes to a party or event invite I'd normally say not to. It's healthy for me to try new things, get out there and be with people. When I venture out into the social world I try to build in buffers, and limits, if I didn't I would never go out. I try to make sure I attend events in a positive frame of mind with the assumption that I will have fun and it will be successful. 

Having a plan, and some control over the situation helps to ensure it is. There are limits to the length of time I can stay, so included in my plan are escape routes. I tend to drive my own car to events, or in the case of my first blog conference chose not to share a hotel room. This doesn't always work, since not knowing anyone at a conference, and being in my own room makes it harder to bond with the group, or even know what the group is doing. Often I miss the spontaneous things, like a group getting together for dinner, or a drink. This can make it hard for me to manage or "plan", especially if I do not know the group of people well. I want to be included, but at the same time need my space. It helps if there is someone I can arrange with to let me know if something comes up, or if I can prearrange to meet up with people. Sessions, workshops, or speeches are easy, you have signed up for them, and there is no expectation that you know someone. 

With purely social events it gets a bit trickier to manage since attending alone is hard, and when I go with someone I worry they'll be upset if I exit stage left after an hour. I'm still working on this, but by controlling some of the things I can, it makes dealing with the ones I can't easier. My goal, which is a work in progress, is to fully participate in life, being true to myself, and making everyday as happy and successful as I can. 

I always try to remember just because it quacks like a duck, doesn't mean it is a duck. 

Yep, just me Cathy thinking out loud about myself.