It's almost Valentine's Day and I'm not feeling all lovey-dovey and romantic.
I'm "Bearly" (pun intended) feeling like-y, and closer to no-likey, take a hikey. I'm seeing red at everything around me - including my husband.
There are rules to a happy marriage:
RULE: Only one at a time.
So I'm feeling grumpy and tired. No big deal right?! It happens to everyone now and then. What's not okay is the fact the my husband of 23 years is also grumpy and tired. The only one at a time rule means only one of us can have a mental breakdown, be overwhelmed or "grumpy" at any given time. I'm pretty sure it's my turn!
Each time he says something to irritate me, or sounds grumpy or rude I'm thinking:
- It's My Turn!
- Take a number and get in line for grumpy time.
- Go have your breakdown on your own time.
- Did you say something? I didn't hear you because I'm not listening to you.
Yes I understand I'm feeling the equivalent to a Valentine's Bah Humbug, but knowing that doesn't make it go away for myself or my husband. But I'm not worried. After 23 years and 27 Valentines I know it's okay to just go with the flow sometimes. It has nothing to do with love, or caring, it has to do with acceptance. Accepting that grumpy is not a reflection of how much we love each other. Accepting of each other with all our moods and ups and downs. Accepting that this will happen from time to time, especially if you've been together a long time.
Should I/We Be Worried?
It took me many years of marriage to let the little things slide in my relationship with my husband. If things were not happy in marital bliss-land I felt the need to overanalyze, rehash, and fix it. I had appointed myself keeper of the happiness for every aspect of our lives. Each time my husband was in a bad mood, or grumpy, or angry I assumed it was somehow related to me. He's a man, so it's not like he'd say: "Honey I'm having a bad day, but it has nothing to do with you. Just give me a little space and it will pass". That small but vital piece of information would come out somewhere around the mid-point of the Why are you being so mean to me?-What did I do? argument. (Full Disclosure: I didn't give him the "Honey I'm having a bad day" spiel either, but he just assumed it had nothing to do with him unless otherwise notified.) Turns out he could be angry or upset without being angry or upset at me. Apparently it is possible to just have a bad day or be grumpy and have nothing to do with anything I did or said.
- In the first decade with my husband I took it personally.
- In the second I was more likely to just ignore it.
RULE: If you laugh you can't be angry at me anymore.
(my husband made up this ridiculous rule - and now the evil offspring use it on my too! Endless efforts are made to make me laugh in order to invoke the rule Grrr...)
- In the third decade I tell him "you're a grumpy old man, get some friggin' sleep and chill", which usually leads to an exchange of sarcastic but funny one-liners, laughter, a lightening of the mood and the If You Laugh Rule being invoked.
I think the source of the problem (grumpiness, being irritable) is very important in deciding whether to worry about it or just let it ride itself out. Why am I or my husband grumpy? Is it external reasons impacting a person in a marriage, or is it something within the marriage impacting the person. I'm tired, so is my husband. When I'm tired I'm grumpy. When my husband is tired he is very grumpy. My husband being grumpy to me, can result in me being grumpy too, and vice versa. (Note: in this situation the "only one rule" is immediately invoked, and it's my turn) Sometimes life is a grind. We have two sons, an 18 year old and a 20 year. Need I say more? I think not, because clearly they are 75% of the reason we are tired and grumpy.
I don't feel very lovey but I love my husband and I know he loves me. That is not to say we always like each other, or like each other's actions. We argue over the kids, money, and what to have for dinner, but I can't imagine my life without him in it, and if I had to pick someone to grow old and grumpy with it would be him. So maybe it's just low blood sugar, and all I really need is chocolate.
How about you, are you feeling love for Valentine's Day?
Yep, just me Cathy thinking out loud about chocolate and sleep.
