Wednesday 19 March 2014

The Introvert that Looks like an Extrovert: Just Because it Quacks Doesn't Mean It's A Duck

Generally speaking, life demands we at least to some extent learn to be social, and appear to enjoy those social experiences.



You may know someone like this, or this may be you; the well trained introvert, who appears to be an extrovert, and a social butterfly. It is not always obvious, but if you know them well or look closely you see the cracks, and signs of stress, or fatigue. In general life demands we at least to some extent learn to be social, and appear to enjoy those social experience. In fact the more outgoing and social the better. 

I spent quite some time trying to find a definition of introvert that wasn't negative, or defined as being wrapped up in oneself, or shy. It is often associated with being nerdy, bookish, quirky or quaint. To me being wrapped up in oneself is narcissistic, and shy is shy. Although many introverts may indeed be shy, that is not what makes one introverted. Interestingly the definitions for extroverts all seem to define it as "friendly" and outgoing, and as a positive trait. There seems to be an assumption if you are chatty, that somehow makes you a nicer person. In my experience nice and not nice comes in all shapes, sizes, and types, and niceness and friendliness is not the exclusive domain of the extrovert

Being introverted doesn't mean you can't be social, and chatty and friendly, and being an extrovert doesn't mean you don't enjoy personal time on your own. What it comes down to is how you feel about varying degrees of social interaction, alone time, and how much of each is right for you. In general I would say that for an extrovert being out with people and interacting with people energizes them. For an introvert this experience drains them of energy, and the alone time allows them to "recharge". It is not about being opinionated, or nice, or smart, or confident, or happy. It is simply how one responds to the social stimuli around them, and how they "charge their batteries" so to speak.

Most people including family think I am your basic extrovert, chatty and always cracking a joke. I mean if it walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it is probably a duck, right?! The joke part is probably true, but if I can opt out of parties, outings, and crowds, I almost always do. I'm not talking about lunch with a friend. I am talking about events that require extended small talk and interaction with people, or that allow for little or no alone time. The longer I'm out in these types of situations the more I tend to chat, and make jokes. It is a nervous reaction that seldom works in my favour. 


Ideally I have advance notice to mentally prepare, but often by the end of such events I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Few, except maybe those who know me well will see the signs of strain, unless it's over an extended period. Even then it's easily put it down to being tired, or having a bad day. 

A perfect example is Christmas visits to see my family. I find them to be very challenging, not because my family isn't lovely, they are, but with the long drive, living out of a suitcase, multiple trips, visits and obligations, all put into a short time frame, it means I'm virtually never alone. I love my family and I am happy to, and want to see them, but I can only do so many hours of 17 people, with no way to politely excuse myself, and even if I could, nowhere to go.

I'm trying to balance being a hermit, getting out of my comfort zone by saying yes to a party or event invite I'd normally say not to. It's healthy for me to try new things, get out there and be with people. When I venture out into the social world I try to build in buffers, and limits, if I didn't I would never go out. I try to make sure I attend events in a positive frame of mind with the assumption that I will have fun and it will be successful. 


Having a plan, and some control over the situation helps to ensure it is. There are limits to the length of time I can stay, so included in my plan are escape routes. I tend to drive my own car to events, or in the case of my first blog conference chose not to share a hotel room. This doesn't always work, since not knowing anyone at a conference, and being in my own room makes it harder to bond with the group, or even know what the group is doing. Often I miss the spontaneous things, like a group getting together for dinner, or a drink. This can make it hard for me to manage or "plan", especially if I do not know the group of people well. I want to be included, but at the same time need my space. It helps if there is someone I can arrange with to let me know if something comes up, or if I can prearrange to meet up with people. Sessions, workshops, or speeches are easy, you have signed up for them, and there is no expectation that you know someone. 

With purely social events it gets a bit trickier to manage since attending alone is hard, and when I go with someone I worry they'll be upset if I exit stage left after an hour. I'm still working on this, but by controlling some of the things I can, it makes dealing with the ones I can't easier. My goal, which is a work in progress, is to fully participate in life, being true to myself, and making everyday as happy and successful as I can. 

I always try to remember just because it quacks like a duck, doesn't mean it is a duck. 

Yep, just me Cathy thinking out loud about myself.

18 comments :

  1. This is me, too. Great post. I don't go anywhere, travelling, business function or party without an escape plan. When I've had enough I skedaddle even if it's only for 15 minutes. If I don’t have a way out I don't attend.. I know my limitations ;-) I look on it like an hourglass filled with cheerfulness and sociability. When my time is up, my time is up and I need to find a quiet place to let some sand run back the other way.

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    1. I love the hour glass analogy. That is exactly how I feel - I start to get grumpy. Not a bad thing, you just need to know as you say your limits. Thanks so much for taking the time to read my post and to comment, it is so appreciated!

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  2. Yes I know someone like that, my husband, I am quite the opposite and can't get enough to be with people that I know or don't know. It helps me a lot when I travel or go to places alone. My husband likes it when we go to a place when we don't know many people because he always says: I will let you start the conversation. I know how it is not easy for you because my DH talks about it. Hopefully it will get better for you :)

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    1. Thanks for reading and commenting Helene I don't really think of it in terms of getting better, I am quite happy with myself (except being humble part LOL), it is more to do with of learning to manage others expectations of me, and mine of them. I also think there are many who are not introverts that actually have no idea and opening a dialogue is always good. It sounds like you DH is shy as well and that can truly be challenging. I am a true believer that it takes all kinds, and teaching understanding and empathy isn't taught in a day, it is a life time goal.

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  3. Everyone is different. That's what makes the world so great.

    I admire the fact that you know yourself well enough to know when you have to take some time. Don't change unless you want to. I think you're great just the way you are.

    Besos, Sarah
    Blogger at Journeys of The Zoo

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    1. Well aren't you the sweetest thing ever Sarah ....but I already knew that. I think it is about understanding rather than changing. Understanding ourselves and others. Allowing us all to exist in our own way. I would say that the :knowing myself" came after many years of living with myself. Maybe talking about the challenges and advantages both introverts and extroverts encounter can bring about positive definitions, and rewards for the things that truly matter like kindness, tolerance, and empathy. Thanks for reading!

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  4. I understand where you are coming from, Cathy! I also agree with Journeys of the Zoo. It's good that you know this about yourself. There are some that may not have realized this about themselves, and by you writing this post, you may be helping them, too! Awesome post, Cathy!

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    1. Thanks for reading Lian. I hope that is true that maybe this might give some insight into managing expectations, and accepting that it is neither good nor bad, it is simply who you are. I also hope that dialogue changes some of the undeserved negative connotations sometimes associated with the word introvert.

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  5. Love the honesty in this post, Cathy :) I see no reason to change anything about you...you are truly lovely just the way you are!! XO

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    1. Well all I can say to that it Awwww and xo. You have always made me feel that way Sandy.

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  6. Love it.
    I'm generally the one making noise and cracking jokes. Being in sales, it is just expected that everyone is keen to hang out in large groups and chat. When we did a Myers Briggs test years ago, and I was one of the very few sales people to put my hand up as an introvert, the room basically thought I was making a joke (which is my way; if there is one in every room, it is generally me). Totally agree that sometimes people view you leaving early as some kind of slight to them; these days I have no issue in doing it, as it is better to let them have misconceptions than stick around and make myself and others miserable.
    I actually think being an introvert can help in dealing with people; my natural EQ in social situations was low when I was young (introverted only child whose family moved a lot; who would have thunk it?), so I had to observe and analyse (many introverts' strengths) to mimic the skills until they became second nature, and that intense scrutiny has really built up my skills beyond most folk (as long as I don't have to use them constantly...).
    Thanks for the great article and insight. To thine own self be true.

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    1. Thank you so much for commenting. I am overwhelmed that you took the time to write such a long and thoughtful response. I love it when I feel like someone really got the message. I totally agree that being an introvert makes you hone your skills of observation. May funny rule, and fake it till we make it. LOL

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    2. Cathy, was my pleasure :) As a picture I saw recently said, "Introverts of the world unite! Separately, in our own homes".
      BTW, since I reckon you'll be seeing a bit of me (based on the excellence of this article), my name is Adam, pleased to meet you. The google sign-in picked up a handle I once used (Old Fat Prick), when I was thinking of blogging; the asynchronous, "when I feel like communicating with the world" nature of a blog appealed to me for some reason...

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    3. OFP I love that! I think we need to make that into posters LOL Thanks Adam! I started my blog because 140 characters doesn't always cut it. You should start a blog, I think it would be very popular and I for one would love to read it.

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  7. Hi Cathy, thank you for your great post . I can thoroughly relate to 'faking it'. I have worked many years in face to face customer service and also several years in the off-shore environment with 300 other people on a platform, there was literally no-where for some quiet time except in your own bunk bed, with the curtains drawn and ear plugs in! For 3 long weeks at a time!
    Anyway, I have a question for you, maybe you can help me out. Like most introverts, I don't dislike people, just don't need to be around them a lot.
    My problem is I seem to make 'friends' quite quickly as I am quite empathetic, can joke along with the best of them etc, all the usual attributes that an introvert role-playing an extrovert can do. I have a friends that I do stuff with but I really don't want any more friends, or even to keep in contact with people who have befriended me and assume that we will continue having contact and see each other socially. I am always ducking and weaving out of events, contact and phone calls but I really don't want to offend people or hurt their feeling. Does anyone have any tips on how to gently remove oneself from a budding new friendship that you're are not really interested in?? Does this sound rude and anti-social or do I think so because I seem to be surrounded by extroverts?

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    1. Downunder Thanks so much for you comment. It was very insightful. Your question is a very interesting one that I do not deal with very well. My Hubby is less comfortable out socializing so I am often "sacrificed for the greater good" to parties and events, since one and the kids is better than none. I have learned to just say no and thank people for their very kind offers. I explain that I have previous engagements (with myself or family). I don't make excuses anymore but I always try to be polite and make sure they know it has nothing to do with them. I also tell people from the beginning I am not good at calling or emailing, so they know the score from the beginning. Then I live my life. Eventually the ones that know you understand and the others drift away.

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  8. I also feel almost the same as downunder ... I want to socialize but I just can't...I love silence...but then I feel everyone is ignoring me...I'm a nobody to them...it's like my mind wants attention...I am a nice person(at least I am under the impression since everyone says so) but I don't really like talking all the time...meaning...emotions...they just lack these things it seems...worldly matters and who-likes-what are their favourites while I want introspection...I like to know about them but I really have nothing to contribute and I feel bad about it...as if I'm not friendly...i'm antisocial...quite recently I've been exploring ways to be as I am instead of trying to be an extrovert on the outside and I'm yet to see results...I LOVE MYSELF, but why don't others see that? I try explaining but then I feel what's the point...why bother...and that makes them rude and puts me in nervous breakdowns...I feel like I'm weird when I'm telling these things to them(and you all right now) but deep within me I ask myself "Why would something go wrong? It'll be fine"...Your article is great Cathy and I agree and identify with some sections...

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    1. Thank you for reading my post. I think it comes down to balance. When I go to a party I explain before hand to the host I can only stay for X amount of time then I quietly say good bye and leave. When people say stay longer etc I thank them for their kind offers and leave. I go to the number of events that I can and if that means some people do not like me I accept it. I do go to parties and events when I don't want to because I think it is good to go out of ones comfort zone every now and then. I limit my stay time rather than than the number of event. Also social media is very social and is much easier to step away. Lastly ask your friends to read this post, or some other article that helps them to understand how you feel, and how you are. You are terrific and you happen to be an introvert.

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